Dear Evil Landlady;

Dear Evil Landlady;

Are you there? It's me, Vitka.

I was recently made aware of the fact that a dear friend of mine--she could be called kin, in a literary sense. Family, really--was stricken with respiratory failure. And, yes, wait... Yes, she's a tenant of yours. I don't know why you're being so... Okay, do you remember what you said when we told you?

This is what you said:

"Hi [redacted], I am Laurie's landlady. I am really sorry for her being sick. I have been trying to get her to go to the doctor/hosptial [sic] for 2 weeks now. I will need her rent to be paid immediately. It is still partially due from the 1st of March it is $316 due. Our agreement was she would be paying it yesterday and part of Aprils [sic] I believe. Will you be paying this? I know it is a hard time for her, but this is my family's support. Please call me ASAP to let me know about this and I will send her a copy of this email also. The rent can be sent PayPal."

Oh, good. I'm so glad you're willing to accommodate. PayPal! Immediately!

The issues that come to mind are: $316 and 'this is my family's support.'

Laurie's a worker. Unlike YOU. You run a building, don't really give a fuck about a tenant having respiratory failure, and in the same breath hint that $316 dollars will potentially put YOUR family in the poor (or, perhaps, pour) house.

Really?

Really.

Hey, I get it... Yes, shut up. I get it. You have a business to run. Same business my slumlord had when I was living in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn and he didn't want to pay an exterminator to let us all be rid of bed bugs.

That's a solid business practice, right?

Just either give no fucks about your tenants or put your tenants at risk or, ho ho, demand money from your tenants WHEN THEY HAVE A BREATHING TUBE SHOVED DOWN THEIR THROAT and they can't EVEN FUNCTION.

But, oh, no, yes ma'am. I understand. There's the bottom line to consider. And if you're to be believed, you've managed to utterly FUCK the concept of land ownership so badly IN AN AREA WHERE THE RATES ARE AMONG THE LOWEST IN THE COUNTRY that $316 will surely put your dipshit family on the street while my friend struggles to breathe.

Fine.

Here's where you can help Laurie and shove a dollar sign down this landlady's throat so hard she chokes on it.